C’mon Kevin!!!

Earlier this wondrous Independence Day holiday, Kevin Durant decided to write some bullshit (it wasn’t bullshit, I’m just pissed off right now) on The Players’ Tribune about why he’s taking his lanky ass and impressive basketball skills to the Bay Area. Unlike some people, I respect his decision. Joining Golden State assuredly guarantees that the self-proclaimed Easy Money Sniper will obtain his first NBA title, and most likely a Finals MVP, since the younger Wardell Curry loves performing disappearing acts once the calendar hits June. I like Kevin Durant. I admire his game, I wear his slept-on, dope-ass shoes (fuck y’all, them KD 8s are hard), and I even rooted for him when he took on the Greatest Team to Never Win a Championship in the Western Conference Finals (I still don’t understand how y’all lost 3 straight games, b). Simply put, Durantula is taking a better job, and I can’t be mad at the brother for enhancing his employment status. But Kev is fucking shit up for me. Seriously, this man is killing my motherfucking vibe.

First off, I will never be able to play NBA 2K17. EVERY NEGRO IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO PICK THIS TEAM!!!! EVERYONE GOT DAMMIT!!!! And they will most likely dominate the living shit out of every opponent. That means the little time that I devoted to pummeling snot-nosed teenagers and over-zealous adults to reduce my stress and increase my dopamine levels is gone. I will now be forced to fill this two-hour window with something more productive, like working out, or volunteering, or some other self-fulfilling, positive shit like that. My shit-talking video game days are officially on hiatus until further notice.

Second, I’m going to endure the unadulterated, obnoxious, egotistical bullshit of Stephen A. Smith and Michael Wilbon. These two faux journalistic blowhards will undoubtedly use every ounce of airtime attributed to them to discredit and dismantle Durant’s character, manhood, and Blackness. They will talk about how this is the worse thing a superstar athlete could ever do on the face of the fucking planet (I pretty sure Aaron Hernandez did the worst shit ANY athlete could do) and that no Hall of Fame caliber player would have ever dreamt of joining the team that just dismantled them a few months prior in a hard-fought, contentious series. They will make my ears bleed as I tune into ESPN to watch baseball highlights, impatiently anticipating the upcoming NFL season. (COME THE FUCK ON ALREADY AUGUST!!!!!)

And it will get worse. More faux journalists (like Jason Whitlock) and more blowhards (like Colin Cowherd) will fling their ill-conceived takes the way a gorilla does his shit. They will use big “L” words like “legacy” and “loyalty” in describing their disapproval of Durant’s decision. They will call him a hypocrite for doing the very thing he criticized LeBron for when he made “The Decision.” Pretty soon the idiots that tune into this fabricated nonsense will absorb it as gospel and began to permeate the places I find refuge in by regurgitating these felonious opinions as their own. Barbershops, rec centers, golf courses and churches will become a wasteland of bullshit Durant driven debates.

“Jordan would’ve never done no shit like that. Magic would’ve done no shit like that. Kareem would’ve never done no shit like that. These young niggas ain’t loyal in the game. The game done changed.” I will hear this word pollution to exhaustion, with the clamoring noise coming to fever pitch once the Rio Olympics commences (an Olympics that shouldn’t be happening at all) and we witness 3/4 of the Fearsome Four that will obliterate the entire fucking NBA next season (it will probably be a joy to watch too).

This is worse than LeBron’s departure to South Beach when he united with D-Wade and some raptor-looking dude named Chris Bosh. The Warriors have been to two consecutive NBA Finals, winning the first and blowing the second. They now have the league’s last 3 MVPs (“The real MVP” Durant, an unsuspecting Curry and the video game Curry who didn’t miss from inside of 90 feet until the Finals). The 2010 Miami possessed a mere likely-hood of becoming the NBA Champs. There was uncertainty in their union that allowed haters to discredit their claim to the iron throne that is the Larry O-Brien trophy.

That doesn’t exist with these Warriors. Barring injury, it’s a foregone conclusion that they will reach the NBA Finals, en route to setting wins, offensive efficiency, and overall fun records. They now have 4 of the NBA’s top 10 players and a deep bench to compliment them. Their coach is both savvy and accomplished enough to command the respect of his players. Egos will be snuffed out with Sandlotesque jubilation and chipper buoyancy.

Hence, my third and final gripe; the Warriors are going to render the upcoming NBA season pointless to watch. It’s painfully ironic that the television contract that allowed for this union to happen is going to be a huge waste of fucking money. The only advertisers that will be willing to shell out cash to satiate ESPN’s mammoth deal are the companies that employ a player on (self-proclaimed tech god and NBA guru) Joe Lacob’s payroll (Under Armour, Nike, Britta, State Farm Insurance, American Family Insurance, Anta, Sprint, etc.).

Witnessing the Warriors reign will be the closest thing to state-sponsored television the U.S. will produce; we know what’s going to happen already, but we’re forced to watch because they’re going to be on ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!

So enjoy yourself, Durant. I look forward to your mother sitting next to the picturesque Curry family (wait, can you imagine the Moms Club of the Warriors now? Can we get a reality television look at the life of Sonya, Mary, and Wanda together eating Sunday brunch? Seriously, Bravo, make this shit happen), decked out in a rhinestone, royal blue, and California yellow jersey, screaming in joy as you dunk on the Cleveland LeBronites next year. But just know you’ve made my life difficult. Because haters gon’ hate, and you just supplied them with a ten month arsenal of industrial-grade napalm.